Stimulus Response

While taking a walk with James, and our friend Jason, it dawned on me that maybe I can start to extinguish my fear of spiders (or really anything) by being conscious of my physical reaction to it.  And then choosing to do something about it.  Currently, my reaction looks something like this:

• A spider is detected
• Shivers run down my spine 
• Shivers extends into my limbs
• Reactive thoughts then occur like "gross, AHHHH..."
• Cycle repeats when thinking about the incident

With my new method I'm trying something like this:

• A spider is detected
• I start to feel shivers
• I stop the shivers and attempt to keep looking at the spider while controlling my physical response (and sometimes I try to think of something I like while looking at the spider...yay bunnies!)
• Thoughts then occur like "ok, it's still gross" but it's more like an observation than a reaction (I'd like to get to a place where I'm more neutral than "it's still gross" but it's a work in progress).
• I also notice that I don't tend to perseverate on the spider after that.

 James and I found a while back that if we were both getting bogged down by something tough to talk about we'd tend to find ourselves moving into a fetal position.  We've both found that when we call each other on this and then work to getting out of the position (standing right up, taking a walk, etc.) that it helps to change the mood dramatically.  So, why not do this with spiders too ;).

This all seems pretty obvious from when I was learning about extinguishing fears in psych class however I don't recall much attention being placed on consciously lessening the physical response.  Yay mindfulness!

~Danielle

Expression

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

~~~

Many eventful happenings occurred this past weekend, but I was reminded that sometimes it could be something quite simple that can cause the biggest waves.

My partner and I were on our way to picking up a friend before playing a great game of frisbee when he looked into the back seat of my car and noticed the explosion.

Often times, I've noted that my car looks like a teacher's desk has blown up in it (as that is my profession) and sadly this was no exception.

As he looked at the back, he rolled his eyes and looked exasperated by my mess and promptly covered it with a beach blanket so that our guest would only see the mound of clutter instead of the minute details.

During all of this, I got reactive in my mind about the situation. I already feel guilty enough about my lack of maintaining organization without someone else, especially someone I love dearly, reminding me. Part of me really wanted to lash out and say something I'd surely regret. The other part of me was really torn because I know that it's not the eye roll or the covering of the mess that made me upset...it's the implication that *I* put behind the action.


What I was getting reactive about was that I thought he would hold it against me in some way down the line. My imagination went a bit wild with thoughts, he's not going to want to stay with you since you're such a mess. Who would want to live with someone who can't even keep her car clean.

Knowing that these thoughts aren't true doesn't make the situation feel better...it just makes me sit with them. The internal struggle began between seeing the context of our relationship, one of love & support, and how my thoughts about the eye roll had nothing to do with us...I made it up, it wasn't real. However, I was having a hard time trying to see whatever other meaning I could have attached to this action, it was an eye roll, you know, that one that teens give to parents.

As we played frisbee, I could see that I continued to roll the tape of the earlier event in my head and it was making me angry and causing me to play poorly (and be a poor sport).

Then, it happened, I spoke. I told my partner what I wanted, which was for him to be supportive of the things that I have trouble with. I offered a suggestion that in the future he could say something like, "Hey, would you like some help cleaning out the car? I know that you've been meaning to get that done and we could do it together."

I also let him know that I was making myself nervous by thinking that he wouldn't want to be with me if I couldn't get my act together. There are many things that I talk about wanting to do (such as cleaning the car, or starting a dating website, or volunteering my time, etc.) that don't come to fruition and I'm ok with that. So, I also expressed to him that I'd like the space to talk about my ideas even if they don't come into existence.

After mulling over my reaction, he came to me and said that he was sorry for being a jerk and that having the car in disarray [or even my general messiness (which, as of last Saturday, I'm putting structures in for ease!)] was such a trite matter that it could not possibly take away from who I am for him.

It was interesting to me that how when I fessed up, he too took total responsibility for the situation. I insisted that he wasn't being a jerk, but that I had made him into one. In the end, we both owned it and the situation dissolved, leaving me (and I think him too) feeling closer.

Upon getting home I made myself an action list of things to do, including cleaning the car. My partner asked if I needed any help. I said, "no" and smiled.

He had already given it.