My dear readers,
Wow, when I post you guys read! Using a stat counter is great for knowing data about my audience. There are those all over the U.S., some in Canada, and even those further over seas. I definitely encourage you to share this journal, as one of my intentions is to generate a thousand visitors each month! I don't know how this will happen, but I'm putting it out there ;)
However, stats are missing something that I crave and that's connection! I want to know who you are. I do know a powerful attribute about you, that you're someone interested in living fully because that is what this journal is about.
I'd love to hear about who you are and what is going on for you in life. Time to share!
Right now, my life is about community strength and this blog is part of that. My community is one of connection, insight, and sharing.
I'm looking forward to meeting you.
Joyfully,
Danielle
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Chocolate or Vanilla?
Today, I'm finally starting to understand what choosing can mean for my life. It all started back at the Forum when there was an exercise in making a choice, or rather a perceived choice.
I'm rewriting the exercise a bit so that it makes even more sense to me. So here goes:
You're sitting in an ice cream parlor and someone hands you a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Everyone else around you has something different, so you'd like to choose that instead...but the parlor is out of everything else except chocolate. The choice is to accept what you got (the chocolate ice cream) or be busy ogling what everyone else has.
The perceived choice is that I can have someone else's ice cream...but I can't. I only get what's right in front of me. Furthermore, if I put my energy into not wanting the chocolate, it doesn't disappear or transform into vanilla...it just sits there. Simply stated, what you got...is what you got.
This week I've been confronted with choosing what I got. This has manifested itself in what I originally thought was my weight. The drama that I was going through was that losing weight is difficult for me even though I'm doing all the right things (eating healthy and exercising daily) and that there's some "cosmic unfairness" to the whole thing since other people have an easy time with this without putting in so much effort.
So my choice was my weight...or so I thought. However, whenever I'd choose [remember: this is what I got] my weight of 144lbs (15 of which I'd like to lose) I'd find myself in major upset, crying, and feeling really bad for myself. It definitely didn't spring me into action or make me feel good.
I started to look at what it is that I'm resisting. I asked, "what's right in front of me that I'm ignoring, pushing away, or feeling victimized by." What I saw was my food diary. I had pushed it away because I made measuring my food into this obsessive activity that I felt was unhealthy. Now, what I was obsessive over was *not* using it. So I was spending lots of time crying and defending why I shouldn't go that route even though I know that it works well for me.
Later this morning I decided to choose my food diary. Then I got the "ah ha!" moment. After choosing it, all that worry, upset, and effort went away. I didn't start crying thinking about entering in my food for the day or the number on the scale. I was spending so much effort on resisting my food diary that using it seems super simple now...10 minutes tops to enter in food and not thinking about it is so much better than being in an upset for a good hour+ per day.
The struggle and the effort has really disappeared...it's like I didn't know it was there anyway. In choosing my resistance I lost the drama and gained freedom.
Another part of what I chose was what I viewed as "obsessiveness." I had this whole thing about not wanting to feel that way. So I chose that along with the food diary since the two are linked, and now instead of feeling obsessed, I just feel in control of what I'm doing to my body.
Only in resistance does something stick around. So, take a good look at the chocolate and choose.
I'm rewriting the exercise a bit so that it makes even more sense to me. So here goes:
You're sitting in an ice cream parlor and someone hands you a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Everyone else around you has something different, so you'd like to choose that instead...but the parlor is out of everything else except chocolate. The choice is to accept what you got (the chocolate ice cream) or be busy ogling what everyone else has.
The perceived choice is that I can have someone else's ice cream...but I can't. I only get what's right in front of me. Furthermore, if I put my energy into not wanting the chocolate, it doesn't disappear or transform into vanilla...it just sits there. Simply stated, what you got...is what you got.
This week I've been confronted with choosing what I got. This has manifested itself in what I originally thought was my weight. The drama that I was going through was that losing weight is difficult for me even though I'm doing all the right things (eating healthy and exercising daily) and that there's some "cosmic unfairness" to the whole thing since other people have an easy time with this without putting in so much effort.
So my choice was my weight...or so I thought. However, whenever I'd choose [remember: this is what I got] my weight of 144lbs (15 of which I'd like to lose) I'd find myself in major upset, crying, and feeling really bad for myself. It definitely didn't spring me into action or make me feel good.
I started to look at what it is that I'm resisting. I asked, "what's right in front of me that I'm ignoring, pushing away, or feeling victimized by." What I saw was my food diary. I had pushed it away because I made measuring my food into this obsessive activity that I felt was unhealthy. Now, what I was obsessive over was *not* using it. So I was spending lots of time crying and defending why I shouldn't go that route even though I know that it works well for me.
Later this morning I decided to choose my food diary. Then I got the "ah ha!" moment. After choosing it, all that worry, upset, and effort went away. I didn't start crying thinking about entering in my food for the day or the number on the scale. I was spending so much effort on resisting my food diary that using it seems super simple now...10 minutes tops to enter in food and not thinking about it is so much better than being in an upset for a good hour+ per day.
The struggle and the effort has really disappeared...it's like I didn't know it was there anyway. In choosing my resistance I lost the drama and gained freedom.
Another part of what I chose was what I viewed as "obsessiveness." I had this whole thing about not wanting to feel that way. So I chose that along with the food diary since the two are linked, and now instead of feeling obsessed, I just feel in control of what I'm doing to my body.
Only in resistance does something stick around. So, take a good look at the chocolate and choose.
Monday, July 2, 2007
The Game of it All
The seminar that I'm currently participating in, the Living Passionately seminar, is about bringing purpose, grace, and ease to all areas of my life.
While on a leadership call last night, I was able to take away a lot of insights and I'd like to share them below.
The homework for this week is to make a game out of that which I take too seriously! What I was reminded of at the seminar is that anything that is in my life, I have brought into existence and if I'm getting stressed about it, then I'm clearly not playing life like a game.
On Saturday, I was having one of those days where it seemed that everything was going wrong. For example I had a plan to walk to the post office and I realized, 3/4 of the way there, that I didn't have my wallet with me to purchase packaging or stamps. My whole day felt like this, always reaching out to do more, but having something get in the way. What a blah way to be!
One thing that had really bothered me all day was that I am teaching an American History class in the fall and I didn't feel like I would be getting any help at all through this process. As usual, I would be doing everything by myself and I had lots of evidence to suggest that this would be true. So on Saturday, I got worked up about it and had a short cry about how overwhelmed I was feeling...this was certainly having an effect on all of my other tasks for the day.
As usual, my boyfriend was very supportive and started to offer suggestions on what I could do with the class. This communication opened the door for me that this might be an area where I could look to "play the game."
While I was on my leadership call yesterday, as I'm a group leader for my team, I realized something else. That the class is all mine...it exists because of me. In fact, the class would not be there without me, because the parents from last year's class rallied to have me teach the same students as a group again this year (normally they would be broken up).
When I had this eureka moment, I was able to make the class into a game. The game being enrolling the families to contribute to the class directly instead of shutting them out of the creation! What I wasn't open to was that the families have a ton to contribute and are part of making this class happen, just as they had at the end of June.
With this new found excitement I ordered tons of American History books off of amazon and found some really fun activities for class. My next step will be engaging the parents in contributing to this class, whether it be with a lesson, or a plan for a field trip, or ideas for class discussions or curriculum, or maybe there is something totally new that they can offer. I'm all ears.
Today, I emailed someone on staff to give me the names and contact info of the parents so that I can connect with them now and have a unifying vision for our class come September.
With all of this I am taking ownership of the class, bringing it to life, and being really hungry for it to begin. I'm excited!
To review, there were a few things that I had to do to see the chrysalis that I can bring to class:
1. I had to consider that I was not truly fully involved in the class. What I was involved in was a "poor me, I have to do this myself" attitude.
2. I thought about what I had to give up to be able to see a new possibility for how this class can work. And what I saw was that I was taking my point of view too seriously (and as if it were the truth and not just my opinion) that no one will help me and that I'll have to do it myself.
3. Make a game out of it (by taking the significance I put on the class out!). The game is to get parents involved in the vision that I have for the class of being fun, exciting, and a contribution of all of our efforts.
As a teacher I get to create context all the time, and now I have a new context to live into, that of contribution and generosity!
While on a leadership call last night, I was able to take away a lot of insights and I'd like to share them below.
The homework for this week is to make a game out of that which I take too seriously! What I was reminded of at the seminar is that anything that is in my life, I have brought into existence and if I'm getting stressed about it, then I'm clearly not playing life like a game.
On Saturday, I was having one of those days where it seemed that everything was going wrong. For example I had a plan to walk to the post office and I realized, 3/4 of the way there, that I didn't have my wallet with me to purchase packaging or stamps. My whole day felt like this, always reaching out to do more, but having something get in the way. What a blah way to be!
One thing that had really bothered me all day was that I am teaching an American History class in the fall and I didn't feel like I would be getting any help at all through this process. As usual, I would be doing everything by myself and I had lots of evidence to suggest that this would be true. So on Saturday, I got worked up about it and had a short cry about how overwhelmed I was feeling...this was certainly having an effect on all of my other tasks for the day.
As usual, my boyfriend was very supportive and started to offer suggestions on what I could do with the class. This communication opened the door for me that this might be an area where I could look to "play the game."
While I was on my leadership call yesterday, as I'm a group leader for my team, I realized something else. That the class is all mine...it exists because of me. In fact, the class would not be there without me, because the parents from last year's class rallied to have me teach the same students as a group again this year (normally they would be broken up).
When I had this eureka moment, I was able to make the class into a game. The game being enrolling the families to contribute to the class directly instead of shutting them out of the creation! What I wasn't open to was that the families have a ton to contribute and are part of making this class happen, just as they had at the end of June.
With this new found excitement I ordered tons of American History books off of amazon and found some really fun activities for class. My next step will be engaging the parents in contributing to this class, whether it be with a lesson, or a plan for a field trip, or ideas for class discussions or curriculum, or maybe there is something totally new that they can offer. I'm all ears.
Today, I emailed someone on staff to give me the names and contact info of the parents so that I can connect with them now and have a unifying vision for our class come September.
With all of this I am taking ownership of the class, bringing it to life, and being really hungry for it to begin. I'm excited!
To review, there were a few things that I had to do to see the chrysalis that I can bring to class:
1. I had to consider that I was not truly fully involved in the class. What I was involved in was a "poor me, I have to do this myself" attitude.
2. I thought about what I had to give up to be able to see a new possibility for how this class can work. And what I saw was that I was taking my point of view too seriously (and as if it were the truth and not just my opinion) that no one will help me and that I'll have to do it myself.
3. Make a game out of it (by taking the significance I put on the class out!). The game is to get parents involved in the vision that I have for the class of being fun, exciting, and a contribution of all of our efforts.
As a teacher I get to create context all the time, and now I have a new context to live into, that of contribution and generosity!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Expression
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh
~~~
Many eventful happenings occurred this past weekend, but I was reminded that sometimes it could be something quite simple that can cause the biggest waves.
My partner and I were on our way to picking up a friend before playing a great game of frisbee when he looked into the back seat of my car and noticed the explosion.
Often times, I've noted that my car looks like a teacher's desk has blown up in it (as that is my profession) and sadly this was no exception.
As he looked at the back, he rolled his eyes and looked exasperated by my mess and promptly covered it with a beach blanket so that our guest would only see the mound of clutter instead of the minute details.
During all of this, I got reactive in my mind about the situation. I already feel guilty enough about my lack of maintaining organization without someone else, especially someone I love dearly, reminding me. Part of me really wanted to lash out and say something I'd surely regret. The other part of me was really torn because I know that it's not the eye roll or the covering of the mess that made me upset...it's the implication that *I* put behind the action.
What I was getting reactive about was that I thought he would hold it against me in some way down the line. My imagination went a bit wild with thoughts, he's not going to want to stay with you since you're such a mess. Who would want to live with someone who can't even keep her car clean.
Knowing that these thoughts aren't true doesn't make the situation feel better...it just makes me sit with them. The internal struggle began between seeing the context of our relationship, one of love & support, and how my thoughts about the eye roll had nothing to do with us...I made it up, it wasn't real. However, I was having a hard time trying to see whatever other meaning I could have attached to this action, it was an eye roll, you know, that one that teens give to parents.
As we played frisbee, I could see that I continued to roll the tape of the earlier event in my head and it was making me angry and causing me to play poorly (and be a poor sport).
Then, it happened, I spoke. I told my partner what I wanted, which was for him to be supportive of the things that I have trouble with. I offered a suggestion that in the future he could say something like, "Hey, would you like some help cleaning out the car? I know that you've been meaning to get that done and we could do it together."
I also let him know that I was making myself nervous by thinking that he wouldn't want to be with me if I couldn't get my act together. There are many things that I talk about wanting to do (such as cleaning the car, or starting a dating website, or volunteering my time, etc.) that don't come to fruition and I'm ok with that. So, I also expressed to him that I'd like the space to talk about my ideas even if they don't come into existence.
After mulling over my reaction, he came to me and said that he was sorry for being a jerk and that having the car in disarray [or even my general messiness (which, as of last Saturday, I'm putting structures in for ease!)] was such a trite matter that it could not possibly take away from who I am for him.
It was interesting to me that how when I fessed up, he too took total responsibility for the situation. I insisted that he wasn't being a jerk, but that I had made him into one. In the end, we both owned it and the situation dissolved, leaving me (and I think him too) feeling closer.
Upon getting home I made myself an action list of things to do, including cleaning the car. My partner asked if I needed any help. I said, "no" and smiled.
He had already given it.
~~~
Many eventful happenings occurred this past weekend, but I was reminded that sometimes it could be something quite simple that can cause the biggest waves.
My partner and I were on our way to picking up a friend before playing a great game of frisbee when he looked into the back seat of my car and noticed the explosion.
Often times, I've noted that my car looks like a teacher's desk has blown up in it (as that is my profession) and sadly this was no exception.
As he looked at the back, he rolled his eyes and looked exasperated by my mess and promptly covered it with a beach blanket so that our guest would only see the mound of clutter instead of the minute details.
During all of this, I got reactive in my mind about the situation. I already feel guilty enough about my lack of maintaining organization without someone else, especially someone I love dearly, reminding me. Part of me really wanted to lash out and say something I'd surely regret. The other part of me was really torn because I know that it's not the eye roll or the covering of the mess that made me upset...it's the implication that *I* put behind the action.
What I was getting reactive about was that I thought he would hold it against me in some way down the line. My imagination went a bit wild with thoughts, he's not going to want to stay with you since you're such a mess. Who would want to live with someone who can't even keep her car clean.
Knowing that these thoughts aren't true doesn't make the situation feel better...it just makes me sit with them. The internal struggle began between seeing the context of our relationship, one of love & support, and how my thoughts about the eye roll had nothing to do with us...I made it up, it wasn't real. However, I was having a hard time trying to see whatever other meaning I could have attached to this action, it was an eye roll, you know, that one that teens give to parents.
As we played frisbee, I could see that I continued to roll the tape of the earlier event in my head and it was making me angry and causing me to play poorly (and be a poor sport).
Then, it happened, I spoke. I told my partner what I wanted, which was for him to be supportive of the things that I have trouble with. I offered a suggestion that in the future he could say something like, "Hey, would you like some help cleaning out the car? I know that you've been meaning to get that done and we could do it together."
I also let him know that I was making myself nervous by thinking that he wouldn't want to be with me if I couldn't get my act together. There are many things that I talk about wanting to do (such as cleaning the car, or starting a dating website, or volunteering my time, etc.) that don't come to fruition and I'm ok with that. So, I also expressed to him that I'd like the space to talk about my ideas even if they don't come into existence.
After mulling over my reaction, he came to me and said that he was sorry for being a jerk and that having the car in disarray [or even my general messiness (which, as of last Saturday, I'm putting structures in for ease!)] was such a trite matter that it could not possibly take away from who I am for him.
It was interesting to me that how when I fessed up, he too took total responsibility for the situation. I insisted that he wasn't being a jerk, but that I had made him into one. In the end, we both owned it and the situation dissolved, leaving me (and I think him too) feeling closer.
Upon getting home I made myself an action list of things to do, including cleaning the car. My partner asked if I needed any help. I said, "no" and smiled.
He had already given it.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Standing Firm with Arms Stretched Out
First it is necessary to stand on your own two feet. But the minute a man finds himself in that position, the next thing he should do is reach out his arms. ~ Kristin Hunter
~~~
Today I am seeing, full force, how communicating with others about what's happening in my life offers them the space to make a contribution and expand upon what I am open to seeing.
I'd like to share two examples:
The Bee
Of course, creating butterflies means getting stung...and that's exactly what happened yesterday. A bee got under my sandal and the stinger went into my toe!
I felt a sharp pain up my leg and sat down to examine it as tears came out of my eyes. I was scared and wasn't sure what to do as I'd never been stung before. Before reaching out to anyone I took the stinger out myself and was quite aware that the pain continued. I got up, and proceeded to hobble home. In doing so, I had no idea what I would do with my toe after I got there. In that moment I had a choice: do this on my own (internet search) or ask for help.
So, I called my mom and she advised me to be with a friend so that if I had any sort of reaction that I'd be safe. I would have never thought of that myself, so I took her advice and called a friend. He lived a block away from where I was and was quite helpful! I even learned a few things about allergic reactions and bee stings because his father (who is a doctor) was over to visit.
Class Enrollment
I'm teaching a free class about understanding and tracking the monthly female cycle to young women and their moms staring in late July through August (if you're in San Diego and would like more information please email me).
I would love to create an intimate space to do this and that, to me, means having a safe community around the class. At this time I only have 2 moms & daughters enrolled and I would like to have at least 1 or more teams involved to run the class. However, I was really nervous about advertising to the general community because I want to be selective about who is in the class since some of the information could be viewed as controversial ("it's a sex class!"...which it's not)
I was speaking with my charter school colleague today and mentioned the class to her and asked if she could put out the word for me to her friends. She mentioned putting it on a San Diego yahoo list and I got very reactive about not wanting the "wrong" people in the class.
She then offered a great idea: to enroll in the class, individuals need to have a conversation with me about the class before signing up to ensure that everyone has the same vision.
Before having this conversation with my colleague, I was seriously thinking of canceling the class because I couldn't see a way to expand my network.
So, today's homework: reach out listening for contribution, even when you think that you don't need to, you'll be surprised at the results. Feel free to share your work here, I'd love to hear about it!
~~~
Today I am seeing, full force, how communicating with others about what's happening in my life offers them the space to make a contribution and expand upon what I am open to seeing.
I'd like to share two examples:
The Bee
Of course, creating butterflies means getting stung...and that's exactly what happened yesterday. A bee got under my sandal and the stinger went into my toe!
I felt a sharp pain up my leg and sat down to examine it as tears came out of my eyes. I was scared and wasn't sure what to do as I'd never been stung before. Before reaching out to anyone I took the stinger out myself and was quite aware that the pain continued. I got up, and proceeded to hobble home. In doing so, I had no idea what I would do with my toe after I got there. In that moment I had a choice: do this on my own (internet search) or ask for help.
So, I called my mom and she advised me to be with a friend so that if I had any sort of reaction that I'd be safe. I would have never thought of that myself, so I took her advice and called a friend. He lived a block away from where I was and was quite helpful! I even learned a few things about allergic reactions and bee stings because his father (who is a doctor) was over to visit.
Class Enrollment
I'm teaching a free class about understanding and tracking the monthly female cycle to young women and their moms staring in late July through August (if you're in San Diego and would like more information please email me).
I would love to create an intimate space to do this and that, to me, means having a safe community around the class. At this time I only have 2 moms & daughters enrolled and I would like to have at least 1 or more teams involved to run the class. However, I was really nervous about advertising to the general community because I want to be selective about who is in the class since some of the information could be viewed as controversial ("it's a sex class!"...which it's not)
I was speaking with my charter school colleague today and mentioned the class to her and asked if she could put out the word for me to her friends. She mentioned putting it on a San Diego yahoo list and I got very reactive about not wanting the "wrong" people in the class.
She then offered a great idea: to enroll in the class, individuals need to have a conversation with me about the class before signing up to ensure that everyone has the same vision.
Before having this conversation with my colleague, I was seriously thinking of canceling the class because I couldn't see a way to expand my network.
So, today's homework: reach out listening for contribution, even when you think that you don't need to, you'll be surprised at the results. Feel free to share your work here, I'd love to hear about it!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Caterpillars to Butterflies
Philosophia by Guggenheim Grotto
When we’re young we set our hearts upon some beautiful idea
Maybe something from a holy book or French philosophia
Upon the thoughts of better men than us we swear by and decree a
Perfect way to end the war of ways the only way to be a...
Work of art, oh to be a work of art
But in time a thought comes tugging on the sleeve edge of our minds
Perhaps no perfect way exists at all, just many different kinds
Oh but if it’s just a thing of taste then everything unwinds
For without an absolute how can the absolute define...
A work of art, oh to be a work of art
~~~
Being a work of art, this is what I set out to do through self awareness and transformation.
Transformation, defined through my own terms, is the act of a butterfly. Starting as a caterpillar, life is wonderful and good. It's fairly clear that my form is set; I'm long with many legs, with some playful variation in texture. One day, I'm drawn to make a chrysalis in which I will transform myself into a butterfly. What I will come out as is unknown to myself, but the result will be that of my creation.
I'm not content to take just one form. So, I choose to put myself into the chrysalis state as much as I can. Pushing myself to go there, so that I may create a new being in every moment.
Last weekend I put myself into this chrysalis state by participating in the Landmark Advanced Course. Through this work, I saw that my usual state of being is one in which I do not trust people and that I tend to "do life" by myself. There's nothing wrong with this state, in fact it has served me quite well. I'm an independent business gal, living a very successful and happy life. The butterfly in me, however, is interested in going further...being truly awake in all of my choices.
Now that my eyes have been opened to this usual state, I am free to create something new if I choose. Before, I wasn't aware that a choice existed. This journal will serve to reflect upon the choices I have made with my new pair of self-awareness spectacles.
The possibility of this journal is one of inspiration, intimacy, and generosity to the world around me.
Enjoy the adventure.
When we’re young we set our hearts upon some beautiful idea
Maybe something from a holy book or French philosophia
Upon the thoughts of better men than us we swear by and decree a
Perfect way to end the war of ways the only way to be a...
Work of art, oh to be a work of art
But in time a thought comes tugging on the sleeve edge of our minds
Perhaps no perfect way exists at all, just many different kinds
Oh but if it’s just a thing of taste then everything unwinds
For without an absolute how can the absolute define...
A work of art, oh to be a work of art
~~~
Being a work of art, this is what I set out to do through self awareness and transformation.
Transformation, defined through my own terms, is the act of a butterfly. Starting as a caterpillar, life is wonderful and good. It's fairly clear that my form is set; I'm long with many legs, with some playful variation in texture. One day, I'm drawn to make a chrysalis in which I will transform myself into a butterfly. What I will come out as is unknown to myself, but the result will be that of my creation.
I'm not content to take just one form. So, I choose to put myself into the chrysalis state as much as I can. Pushing myself to go there, so that I may create a new being in every moment.
Last weekend I put myself into this chrysalis state by participating in the Landmark Advanced Course. Through this work, I saw that my usual state of being is one in which I do not trust people and that I tend to "do life" by myself. There's nothing wrong with this state, in fact it has served me quite well. I'm an independent business gal, living a very successful and happy life. The butterfly in me, however, is interested in going further...being truly awake in all of my choices.
Now that my eyes have been opened to this usual state, I am free to create something new if I choose. Before, I wasn't aware that a choice existed. This journal will serve to reflect upon the choices I have made with my new pair of self-awareness spectacles.
The possibility of this journal is one of inspiration, intimacy, and generosity to the world around me.
Enjoy the adventure.
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