Decompression 2010

"A plane is a bad place for an all-out sleep, but a good place to begin rest and recovery from the trip to the faraway places you've been, a decompression chamber between Here and There. Though a plane is not the ideal place really to think, to reassess or reevaluate things, it is a great place to have the illusion of doing so, and often the illusion will suffice." - Shana Alexander

Decompression is setting in pretty strong as I sit at Barefoot Coffee in Santa Clara.  It's actually one of the nicer places I've been lately that has reminded me a bit of Burning Man with its outdoor beat up couch, displayed art, and beautifully crafted latte foam (I only wish this coffee shop were in a neighborhood instead of a strip mall). 

A few of my friends have posted long and detail oriented posts about their experience, which I have thoroughly enjoyed reading...though that type of writing I find to be quite daunting...so I'll do my takeaways here.

• Leading a Camp - This year at Burning Man I co-lead Future Camp.  It was interesting to see my involvement go from "eh" to "I'm on it!" as the weeks progressed towards our adventure.  I found that leading gave me an interesting social edge that I really enjoyed.  I'm not much for jumping into group conversations, and being a lead meant that people would come up and ask me questions so that I got some one-on-one time with them and also felt helpful in the process.  It has probably been the best larger social setting I've been in in a while without feeling drained...I think having a role really helped me to socialize.

• Stomach/Posture - For the last few years I've been having stomach cramping that I think stems from storing tough emotions there.  I went to a Heart of Now workshop and was able to explore the stomach thing a little bit more with people who I don't know.  What I found was that I should be balancing out doing external work on it (massage, yoga, etc.) with internal work (listening for the feelings that come up and attempting release).  It seems obvious, but something about talking to these new folk helped it to solidify in my brain a bit more.  From thinking about my stomach, I've also been noticing how much my posture affects the relaxation of my stomach.  I'm noticing that I tend to hunch and round in, which increases pressure on an already vulnerable spot.  For the last week I've been sitting up straight, chest open, and that seems to help a lot.

• Noise pollution - Future Camp had the misfortune of locating right next to a super secret bass camp that was not so secret after Wednesday when they started playing techno music with so much bass that one could feel their eardrums shake.  A friend appropriately coined this experience as "Bass Rape."  This noise pollution caused a lot of stress on our camp and even made people ill to the point of needing to leave our camp.  There was no relief for much of 4 straight days, even after negotiating with them.  Eventually Nevada law enforcement was called in because the camp had assaulted some campers who asked them to turn it down for their well being (all this said, this is extremely rare at Burning Man and would not deter me from going again...we'll be reporting more to the organization).  One thing that all the noise pollution brought me was some introspection on the noise in my life.  It was really apparent after returning to the grid with over 150 emails waiting to be sorted.  Many of them junk...so I spent a lot of time unsubscribing to mailing lists and products that I just don't need in my face daily.  I've also started to attempt cutting down on my email time by checking and responding to email only twice a day...so far so good.

• Displays of appreciation/attraction/connection - One thing that I really enjoyed was the level of connection with people in general.  Sometimes day to day I do not enjoy the attention that I get especially from people finding me attractive...the vibe feels more that someone would like to get something from me and it's very uncomfortable.  At Burning Man the attention felt more like appreciation or recognition.  When someone would compliment me or give a hug (or kiss on the cheek...those were fun!) the feeling was one of gratitude and like the person wanted to share something with me, an offering.  I wish more of this happened in the "real" world.  I also found this to be true with gifting on the playa.  I received some really beautiful gifts that were given with a level of authenticity that I haven't seen in a long time.  It was really easy to receive these gifts since there was no implication that I would then offer something out of responsibility or guilt.

• Bliss - This was probably my favorite art piece of the week.  I'm now kicking myself that I never saw her at night. 

       

• Relationship - Burning Man was great for my relationship with James.  There are pages dedicated to how Burning Man can really test a relationship and I can see how that can definitely be true.  However, for us it's always been really great.  This year, James went out a week before me, so we were apart for a full week without any communication.  It was interesting to what would come up for me during that time and to see that any fears I had about us being apart and out of communication for that week were quickly eased when we did see each other.  James and I worked really well together at camp all week, did a lot of outings together and spent some time apart as well.  It was really really nice to have a week without other things needing attention so that we could connect more. 

Unexpected Outcomes

This was the speech I wrote for the 8th grade promotion.  Liked it enough to post here:

As some of you may know, I love a good quote.  They keep me grounded and give me perspective whenever I get caught up in the thoroughfare of day to day life. 

When I thought of our community, a Buckminster Fuller quote popped out at me, “There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes.”

There are many times in life when we hope for a certain conclusion.  We build up expectations, sometimes only to find that a situation, a feeling, or a thought has changed. If we can keep open to changes, new perspectives, and these unexpected outcomes, we can view life as a place where we’re always growing.

Our 8th grade class has been a grand experiment.  Many of these students have come to Innovations from well established schools.  Places that have janitors, typical report cards, traditional parent/teacher conferences, principals with normal hair, and even a cafeteria.  However, you all, students, families, and teachers, being explorers...were looking for something different, you were willing to experiment.

These young explorers have created classroom rules, faced their peers in class council, greeted each other daily in Morning Meeting, come to me when they are not satisfied with the way they have handled a situation, developed strong friendships, challenged their teachers in positive ways, and have made our community bigger and brighter for every twist and turn.

We’ve come here with a mission, to live powerful lives through self-expression, compassionate connection, and purposeful learning.  I see them being self-expressed when they come in wearing colorful makeup, bright hair do’s, wearing Rastafarian hats, and speaking their minds on today’s issues.  They compassionately connect with each other when they make mistakes and can hear each other without blame or guilt.  Solar ovens, the Sacramento Trip, Roller Coaster physics, and analyzing the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, are just some examples of purposeful learning.  I’ve seen the parents living our mission as well, when they come in and contribute to our community and voice their thoughts even when they are nervous.

For me, the mission of IA has been an experiment and the students especially have surpassed what I thought a public school could look like. I know that your future has many beautiful adventures ahead. Bring that sense of self that you have graciously shown us here to your future high school and other endeavors.

I wish you all the best to come and many unexpected outcomes.

Mind the Gap

I just finished reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and found some of the distinctions in the book to be very powerful and insightful.  Like many books on development, I found it a bit repetitive, however, here are the gems for me:

Clock Time vs. Psychological Time

• Clock Time = Now in physical space and in real time requests/actions.
• Psychological Time = In the future/past.  Generally manifests as worry/anxiety for me.

I found this distinction very helpful in catching myself spending a lot of time worrying about something rather than doing something about it.

Situations vs. Problems

• Situations = Now.  Choice is to accept or take action.
• Problems = In the mind, usually bound to psychological time.

One point being made was that situations do occur that are not pleasant for us.  Life does happen, we step on bees, feel pain, etc.  And, we have the choice to work with situations and/or make them into problems.  I could take action on having stepped on a bee and be done with it.  Or, I could unconsciously build up that moment into a fear for the future and start spinning out of control whenever I see a bee.  The problem occurs when one's mind starts spinning without consciousness (defined as being able to step into the gap and watch the mind's talk). 

Reactions are your test of being/consciousness:

You will be taken over by a reaction, which ultimately is always some form of fear, and pulled into deep unconsciousness.  Those challenges are your tests.  Only the way in which you deal with them will show you and others where you are at as far as your state of consciousness is concerned, not how long you can sit with your eyes closes or what visions you see.

...Once a mind pattern, an emotion, or a reaction is there, accept it. You were not conscious enough to have a choice in the matter.

This isn't saying that you're not responsible for your reactions. In that particular moment you could not step into the gap, or even perceive that you could.  Oops...welcome to being human.

It's like walking down the street and stepping into a divot in the sidewalk.  Had you seen it, you would have chosen differently.  But you didn't.  You can accept what happened and in that acceptance get present to those divots (to hopefully mind the gap next time), or you can get in resistance about it and have guilt, "shoulds,"  and probably some blame to spice up the mix.

I'd love to hear about your practice for minding the gap and how, when you don't, you care for those divots.

Ahoy, there be new ahead!

It's interesting to be stepping back into this space again, after three years.  I see livejournal as too much of a random spattering of old history and facebook is for quick minimal connection, so here I am.

I lot has happened in the last three years and what's present for me now is that new is on the horizon.

Teresa G. and I were talking a few weeks ago at a coffee shop and I said something about how I'm not so much of a risk taker to a new suitor of hers.  She smiled and chuckled, her eyes and mouth both saying something to the effect of that we're not physical risk takers but we shake up our lives.

I'm both nervous and excited about some new quakes, predominantly, moving to the Bay Area and taking six months to focus on renewing my energies and interests.

As part of this focus, I've been journaling in a new way.  Write in the future as if it already happened:

This evening I arrived at Fusion 2011 (personal growth retreat).  It was so good to see the faces of last year and hear that those that couldn't make it were off adventuring.  I shared with everyone how relaxed I've been feeling.  My six months of renewal were amazing.  I took art classes, started an amazing garden, and began learning Portuguese for James' and my trip to Brazil.  I went back to educational consulting and am loving it.  Working with kids and families feels so good.  Speaking of family, I've been skyping with my brother and sister and getting to know them better.  I even visited my sister in Chicago.  It's been a wonderful year since the last fusion.

  I wonder...what's new for you?

Danielle

Generously giving of the Self

My dear readers,

Wow, when I post you guys read! Using a stat counter is great for knowing data about my audience. There are those all over the U.S., some in Canada, and even those further over seas. I definitely encourage you to share this journal, as one of my intentions is to generate a thousand visitors each month! I don't know how this will happen, but I'm putting it out there ;)

However, stats are missing something that I crave and that's connection! I want to know who you are. I do know a powerful attribute about you, that you're someone interested in living fully because that is what this journal is about.

I'd love to hear about who you are and what is going on for you in life. Time to share!

Right now, my life is about community strength and this blog is part of that. My community is one of connection, insight, and sharing.

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Joyfully,

Danielle

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Today, I'm finally starting to understand what choosing can mean for my life. It all started back at the Forum when there was an exercise in making a choice, or rather a perceived choice.

I'm rewriting the exercise a bit so that it makes even more sense to me. So here goes:

You're sitting in an ice cream parlor and someone hands you a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Everyone else around you has something different, so you'd like to choose that instead...but the parlor is out of everything else except chocolate. The choice is to accept what you got (the chocolate ice cream) or be busy ogling what everyone else has.

The perceived choice is that I can have someone else's ice cream...but I can't. I only get what's right in front of me. Furthermore, if I put my energy into not wanting the chocolate, it doesn't disappear or transform into vanilla...it just sits there. Simply stated, what you got...is what you got.

This week I've been confronted with choosing what I got. This has manifested itself in what I originally thought was my weight. The drama that I was going through was that losing weight is difficult for me even though I'm doing all the right things (eating healthy and exercising daily) and that there's some "cosmic unfairness" to the whole thing since other people have an easy time with this without putting in so much effort.

So my choice was my weight...or so I thought. However, whenever I'd choose [remember: this is what I got] my weight of 144lbs (15 of which I'd like to lose) I'd find myself in major upset, crying, and feeling really bad for myself. It definitely didn't spring me into action or make me feel good.

I started to look at what it is that I'm resisting. I asked, "what's right in front of me that I'm ignoring, pushing away, or feeling victimized by." What I saw was my food diary. I had pushed it away because I made measuring my food into this obsessive activity that I felt was unhealthy. Now, what I was obsessive over was *not* using it. So I was spending lots of time crying and defending why I shouldn't go that route even though I know that it works well for me.

Later this morning I decided to choose my food diary. Then I got the "ah ha!" moment. After choosing it, all that worry, upset, and effort went away. I didn't start crying thinking about entering in my food for the day or the number on the scale. I was spending so much effort on resisting my food diary that using it seems super simple now...10 minutes tops to enter in food and not thinking about it is so much better than being in an upset for a good hour+ per day.

The struggle and the effort has really disappeared...it's like I didn't know it was there anyway. In choosing my resistance I lost the drama and gained freedom.

Another part of what I chose was what I viewed as "obsessiveness." I had this whole thing about not wanting to feel that way. So I chose that along with the food diary since the two are linked, and now instead of feeling obsessed, I just feel in control of what I'm doing to my body.

Only in resistance does something stick around. So, take a good look at the chocolate and choose.

The Game of it All

The seminar that I'm currently participating in, the Living Passionately seminar, is about bringing purpose, grace, and ease to all areas of my life.

While on a leadership call last night, I was able to take away a lot of insights and I'd like to share them below.

The homework for this week is to make a game out of that which I take too seriously! What I was reminded of at the seminar is that anything that is in my life, I have brought into existence and if I'm getting stressed about it, then I'm clearly not playing life like a game.

On Saturday, I was having one of those days where it seemed that everything was going wrong. For example I had a plan to walk to the post office and I realized, 3/4 of the way there, that I didn't have my wallet with me to purchase packaging or stamps. My whole day felt like this, always reaching out to do more, but having something get in the way. What a blah way to be!

One thing that had really bothered me all day was that I am teaching an American History class in the fall and I didn't feel like I would be getting any help at all through this process. As usual, I would be doing everything by myself and I had lots of evidence to suggest that this would be true. So on Saturday, I got worked up about it and had a short cry about how overwhelmed I was feeling...this was certainly having an effect on all of my other tasks for the day.

As usual, my boyfriend was very supportive and started to offer suggestions on what I could do with the class. This communication opened the door for me that this might be an area where I could look to "play the game."

While I was on my leadership call yesterday, as I'm a group leader for my team, I realized something else. That the class is all mine...it exists because of me. In fact, the class would not be there without me, because the parents from last year's class rallied to have me teach the same students as a group again this year (normally they would be broken up).

When I had this eureka moment, I was able to make the class into a game. The game being enrolling the families to contribute to the class directly instead of shutting them out of the creation! What I wasn't open to was that the families have a ton to contribute and are part of making this class happen, just as they had at the end of June.

With this new found excitement I ordered tons of American History books off of amazon and found some really fun activities for class. My next step will be engaging the parents in contributing to this class, whether it be with a lesson, or a plan for a field trip, or ideas for class discussions or curriculum, or maybe there is something totally new that they can offer. I'm all ears.

Today, I emailed someone on staff to give me the names and contact info of the parents so that I can connect with them now and have a unifying vision for our class come September.

With all of this I am taking ownership of the class, bringing it to life, and being really hungry for it to begin. I'm excited!

To review, there were a few things that I had to do to see the chrysalis that I can bring to class:
1. I had to consider that I was not truly fully involved in the class. What I was involved in was a "poor me, I have to do this myself" attitude.
2. I thought about what I had to give up to be able to see a new possibility for how this class can work. And what I saw was that I was taking my point of view too seriously (and as if it were the truth and not just my opinion) that no one will help me and that I'll have to do it myself.
3. Make a game out of it (by taking the significance I put on the class out!). The game is to get parents involved in the vision that I have for the class of being fun, exciting, and a contribution of all of our efforts.

As a teacher I get to create context all the time, and now I have a new context to live into, that of contribution and generosity!